This is My Story - Shannelle

In this series of personal stories we hear from parents who have suffered pregnancy or baby loss. We hold space for loss and grief, and we remember our babies gone too soon.

In sharing their stories, these parents are beginning to exorcise the triple demons of stigma, silence and ignorance that afflict so many conversations in the perinatal bereavement space.

Parents share their journeys and the lessons they have learned about grief, parenthood, friendship and living after the death of their baby. They tell us how they have changed, who they have become, and what truly matters now.

Baby boy Simbo

I discovered I was pregnant fairly early on. I had had previous miscarriages, so I was a little worried. But once I reached the 12 week mark, I relaxed a bit. I remember singing to my baby regularly and was very excited.

When I found out my baby had died, I was in hospital. I had placenta previa, and I was bleeding so I was being monitored on bed rest. I began cramping and bleeding more.

Unfortunately the midwife dismissed my pain with, and I quote: "You have previa, bleeding is normal. We are very busy on the ward. Many women are in labour. The doctor is too busy to see you."

I was in my early 20's, young and scared. I called my mum. She rushed to the hospital. Not one to mince words, she demanded a doctor come see me. The doctor looked at the midwife angrily and told her that I was in active labour. We needed to move to another room.

I was 24 weeks pregnant at the time. I was told my baby may be alive at birth, but that his life may only last for a breath - and that would be it.

During labour I was told that my baby had already passed away. I was in shock and disbelief that that could happen, considering I was in hospital. I pretty much wept the entire labour 

I was only given gas, as that method of pain relief was apparently my only option. Labour was painful, both physically and emotionally. It's a lot to process in birth mode: you will be giving birth to your dead child. My parents and partner were with me. Thankfully my new midwife was really supportive during my birth and I'll always remember her for that.

I didn't know I was having a boy, so that was my first reaction. I thought his face was perfect, but I wasn't sure how I would ever let him go. The news of his death was incredibly sad and sudden. He was so small and delicate. 

His death was hard to accept, as it was hospital error. I ended up moving to the other side of town to avoid bumping into people I knew.

Now, I speak up for myself more. I question anything related to health and medicine. I have other children now, and I'm pretty sure anyone looking after me during pregnancy experienced me as not an easy patient to deal with. Unfortunately I also distanced myself from a lot of people after my loss.

What I wish I had known before perinatal loss happened to me is not to be so trusting of the medical establishment.

24 years ago, the (emotional) support after loss was minimal. This has changed now, and the environment is more supportive. Care could still improve further, but advancements like cuddle cots, photography services and extra time to spend with your baby would have been really beneficial to me at the time.

I think the main thing I struggled with after loss is not knowing how I would ever move forward from this moment. If I had only had counselling, I feel I would have benefitted from that immensely. I was so young at the time.

To parents recently bereaved I would say, just know that although your heart feels broken and heavy now, it will slowly feel lighter over time. Grief will become easier to manage over time. Also, don't rush. Just get through each day one at a time.

I had my son's hand and footprints tattooed on my forearm, so he is always with me. I need to look at them to feel him with me.

We didn't have the resources back then that are available now. I have few clear photos of my son.

Having a drawing made means I can display my son without it being uncomfortable for people visiting my home. He doesn't need to be hidden in an album in my room.

I have always talked about Simbo from a young age. We regularly visit his resting place, have memorials at home on his birthday. We have a Christmas stocking up for him, which hangs with those of his siblings. I feel that being open about his existence and our love for him has worked for us.

I'm hoping that in the future, stillbirth will become a thing of the past. It is too common still, all these years later. Unfortunately however, five years ago my brother and his partner had a stillborn baby at 38 weeks. I couldn't believe that we as a family would have the same bad luck twice. I had to re-live the whole situation again.

Child loss is still happening today, and it can happen to anyone.

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