This is My Story - Alison

In this series of personal stories we hear from parents who have suffered pregnancy or baby loss. We hold space for loss and grief, and we remember our babies gone too soon.

In sharing their stories, these parents are beginning to exorcise the triple demons of stigma, silence and ignorance that afflict so many conversations in the perinatal bereavement space.

Parents share their journeys and the lessons they have learned about grief, parenthood, friendship and living after the death of their baby. They tell us how they have changed, who they have become, and what truly matters now.

Baby girl Emerson with mum and dad

We found out we were pregnant with our second baby in December 2022. We were over the moon. We had tried for a long time to fall pregnant with our first child, and fell pregnant very easily the second time around. It was such a wonderful surprise.

We found out at our 20 week scan that there were a number of abnormalities with our baby. After further scans with a doctor we were told that our baby would not survive and would either pass away in utero, during labour or directly after birth.

We were in complete shock, because all other scans up to this point hadn't indicated this. We were beyond devastated.

We went into labour knowing that we wouldn't be walking out with our baby like we had pictured from the moment we found out we were pregnant. The midwives at our hospital could not have been kinder or more empathetic to our experience. For that we will be forever grateful.

It's an extremely brutal experience to feel all the pain and work of labour but not having any of the joy and excitement it should bring.

Our beautiful baby, Emerson was so small. She had a number of medical issues so the midwives were unable to tell us the gender at the time. This was so hard, because as we held our baby we felt it was so unfair that we couldn't even know that tiny detail that makes up so much of the image of your child. We later found out that Emerson was a girl. She was so tiny but was also so perfect.

Baby loss is something that is impossible to explain to someone. It's something that no one who hasn't experienced it can truly understand. You have to make a heart-wrenching decision when someone asks you how many children you have, and you feel a horrendous guilt those times you don't count your baby who died in that number - because you just can't face explaining to someone that one of your children isn't here anymore. The pain is something that never leaves you and is always lurking just below the surface.

Having said that, an experience like ours can bring out the best in people. This was our experience with our family and friends. The love and support we were shown after Emerson's birth was second to none and something that I will never forget.

Before I experienced loss, I wish I had known about the resources that are available to help prepare for what we were about to experience. I wish I had known about the amazing organisations like Possum Portraits and Bears of Hope and the incredible work they do, so that I could have been supporting them a long time ago. I also wish I had known that one day we would want photos of our beautiful baby and that I would regret not having our family meet our little girl.

I wish I'd known that it was ok to stay as long as we wanted. In time I would come to regret leaving the hospital early rather than staying longer to cuddle our baby girl one more time.

I found it helped me to talk about our baby as much as I could. At first, I was scared it would make other people awkward or uncomfortable (and at times it does), but more often than not people are happy to hear about our little girl. Talking about her makes her as real for other people as she is for us.

I also found Bears of Hope and the community and counselling services they provide to be so great and something I hope all bereaved parents have access to. I still cuddle my bear whenever I am feeling particularly down.

I would also encourage newly bereaved parents to take photos of and with your beautiful baby, because you will want to see them later.

I can't begin to tell you how special it is to have a portrait of our daughter. One of the hardest things about a stillbirth is that no one gets to meet your baby, and that at times it can feel like she was never really here with us.

So to have a beautiful drawing of my husband and I holding her is something that I will cherish forever. It makes her as real to others as she is to us. That is something that's so hard to do and something I will be forever grateful for.

Our son was only 18 months old when Emerson was born. He wasn't aware of what was happening and it wasn't something we needed to talk to him about. Having said that, I talk about Emerson to him now and when he and his brother, who was born after Emerson, are old enough, I will continue that conversation. Having a portrait of Emerson will help show them who their sister was. It's something they can look at and a way for them to know their sister.

The experience of loss has made me realise how little people know about the topic and how uncomfortable they are about discussing it. This actually makes it harder for the parents, too.

I think people think they shouldn't bring up our daughter because they don't want to upset us or remind us of her loss. But in reality I could never forget the loss we have experienced and ignoring her or denying her existence just makes things harder, not easier.

I think this could be one of the reasons incredible organisations like Possum Portraits don't get the attention they deserve, and this is something I really hope changes in the future. It's also a change that I am passionate about being a part of. I just want to say thank you.

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