This is My Story - Sam

In this series of personal stories we hear from parents who have suffered pregnancy or baby loss. We hold space for loss and grief, and we remember our babies gone too soon.

In sharing their stories, these parents are beginning to exorcise the triple demons of stigma, silence and ignorance that afflict so many conversations in the perinatal bereavement space.

Parents share their journeys and the lessons they have learned about grief, parenthood, friendship and living after the death of their baby. They tell us how they have changed, who they have become, and what truly matters now.

Baby girl Valley with her mum and dad

I found out I was pregnant in August 2024. We were so excited, but also nervous as we were going to be entering the 2 under 2 lifestyle.

My pregnancy was okay, but I was very light-headed and weak. I always felt I would faint if I stood up longer than maybe 5 minutes. This made me feel unsafe.

Every single scan, from the first dating scan until Valley was born, went wrong. So I was very anxious, and always felt like something would go wrong.

Our baby, whose gender we didn't know yet, had very severe intrauterine growth restriction (IUGR). We went for a high risk scan at 18 weeks, where we discovered that our baby had several congential anomalies. Some were things she could live with - however, the lack of brain and heart development meant she would not make it to full term.

We were given the option of continuing on and letting nature take its course, having a termination for medical reasons (I call this a compassionate induction) or an amniocentesis to give us more information.

Being in shock, I chose the amniocentesis. The results showed that our baby was a girl, and that she had a genetic disorder.

One of her X chromosomes was damaged, and it was this condition that caused her to have so many developmental problems. Due to how unwell and weak I felt and the fact that she had no life expectancy, we chose a compassionate induction.

My husband accompanied me during my labour with Valley. I was induced with an oral medication and my labour took around six hours. We watched movies and had snacks waiting for her to come.

We still hadn't decided on whether we wanted to hold her, as we were scared of how she would look. We thought maybe she could be wrapped in a blanket. But once she was born, we knew we wanted to meet her.

I accidentally gave birth standing in the hospital bathroom and the staff were beyond amazing. They cleaned Valley and brought her wrapped in the personalised blanket we brought her. They laid her in a basket that was so tiny the midwife could hold it with one hand.

We named her Valley Skye Santana. She was so tiny, measuring 23cm and weighing 230 grams. She looked like her big brother, with a matching button nose. She had her little hand resting on her face. She had the sweetest cupids bow lips and she wore a little beanie. She felt so cold, so the beanie was to try and warm her up. 

Baby loss has been so lonely for us. Although we have met so many families who have experienced the same or similar situations, we have lost people too.

Baby loss feels like a constant battle - reminding people of your baby and the feelings you are experiencing. People around you move on so fast that sometimes they forget we haven't.

In some instances, our relationship with others has strengthened. When people care for your baby that died, it's a significant show of love. It makes you feel accepted rather than judged.

I wish I knew about the support that is available before we lost Valley. I wish I could have talked to people while making the decisions we needed to make and planning her birth. I was offered care by Red Nose, but there are specific foundations such as In Memory of You, which should be discussed before or during the process of losing your baby. 

To parents recently bereaved I would say that I am so sorry. No matter how they want to honour, talk about or remember their baby, it's okay. They shouldn't feel embarrassed or ashamed of how they want to parent their baby who died.

We found comfort in finding something that reminds us of Valley. For us, this is fairies. We have made a fairy garden and now anything fairy related reminds our son of his little sister. 

When you give birth to a still born baby, you aren't worried about getting the perfect pictures, or even if you try, your eyes are tear filled and you're tired. You have to soak up all the time you have with your baby whilst also sorting out what happens next.

Possum Portraits provided the perfect picture. They can give you an image that you may not have had time to take at the time. Our portrait combines our favourite picture of Valley, showing her little hand by her face, with a photo of us. This picture does not exist as a photo. 

Our son was 18 months old when Valley passed away, so he met her but didn't understand what was happening. We talk about her so much that he knows her and refers to her as "Lalley".

He thinks Valley is a fairy, and we say bits and pieces but we are still working on finding age appropriate ways to discuss Valley without having him fearing for his own health.

I recommend finding something your child can look for that reminds them of your baby. We look for fairies and butterflies.

Loss has made me realise how 'old school' people's views still are. A lot of the older generation are shocked by the time we needed to grieve and process our baby's loss. I am happy with the way acceptance of grieving as a process is changing nowadays, but there is still more work to be done. We need to accept babies who passed away as little people, and as souls that still have a place in this world. 

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