This is My Story - Nikita

In this series of personal stories we hear from parents who have suffered pregnancy or baby loss. We hold space for loss and grief, and we remember our babies gone too soon.

In sharing their stories, these parents are beginning to exorcise the triple demons of stigma, silence and ignorance that afflict so many conversations in the perinatal bereavement space.

Parents share their journeys and the lessons they have learned about grief, parenthood, friendship and living after the death of their baby. They tell us how they have changed, who they have become, and what truly matters now.

Baby girl Ella

We found out we were pregnant in May 2025. Our pregnancy was very smooth. No morning sickness. No food dislikes, minimal cravings - only a strong desire for all foods caramel flavoured. I had no aches or pains and only gained minimal weight.

We were very excited to find out we were pregnant. My husband wanted to shout it out to the world, quite literally!

Pregnancy was something we both wanted so badly, so it was a dream come true to find out we were having a girl at 20 weeks gestation. Not long after we chose the name Ella for our daughter.

I went into the hospital at nearly 35 weeks gestation and had the CTG monitor put on me by the midwives. I had not been feeling baby Ella kicking. It was a Thursday. It was the scariest moment when we heard the doctor say "Sorry, there is no heartbeat, Nikita."

My whole world shattered and I just didn't know what to do next. Losing our baby was not something we prepared for and I think there is no way to prepare parents for a loss like this. It's tragic. 

Shock kicked in quite soon and we were both just sobbing after hearing the news for the first time. We wouldn't wish this on anyone. To feel like that is just indescribable and you feel a part of yourself is just gone.

The day before my uncle came to visit and helped us with what had happened. This provided a distraction from our loss and what was soon to come... labour.

I had an epidural rather early on, so I only felt the pressure when giving birth and a few small contractions before the epidural went in.

This was a positive experience for me. This was our first baby, so I really didn't know what to expect of labour and delivery, but I had a great experience with the midwifes and my husband present.

Labour went smoothly, just over an hour and Ella was born at 5.13am on the 7th of December 2025. My husband was present and two midwifes helped me out.

I got to have skin to skin contact with a warm Ella and she was just a carbon copy of myself. She was named Ella Susannah, Ella after Ella Fitzgerald and Susannah after my great grandmother. She was 2760g in weight and 48.5cm long. She had black hair like me and a button nose like my husband. 

Ella had blue eyes and little hands and feet that we managed to get moulded and footprints/handprints were taken by nurses. Also, a lock of hair was taken and many photos of our family with Ella.

Baby loss has been filled with ups and downs for us. We have never experienced grief like this. It's just beautifully tragic that we lost our sweet Ella.

I feel it has made me stronger and, in my life, I approach things more carefully now. Each moment is treasured and my priorities are on my family (my husband, my dad and my grandparents/extended relatives).

I have also found that some relationships have changed. Some people have been better at supporting us than others. Some people have said the wrong things, and this has left an impact. All in all, you lose some relationships and gain some new ones. 

I wish I had known more about the subject of baby loss and how many families it affects. I was oblivious to the fact that 6 families a day experience perinatal loss. I feel like we should be more educated about these numbers. 

To anyone who has recently experienced loss, I would say that I am here with you at this difficult time. I understand your loss - but at the same time all baby losses are different. My experience won't be the same as yours. 

I want you to know there are plenty of online resources and organisations like Red Nose, Possum Portraits, Still Aware, Bears of Hope, the Stillborn Foundation and many more you can reach out to.

There also may be support groups that you can attend in person. If that's not feasible, there are plenty of online groups to provide support to you and your family. 

Know there is plenty of Facebook groups you can join for support from other bereaved parents. Look into the services that are available to you locally.

Our Possum Portrait means the world to us. We want to remember all of Ella's beautiful features and this portrait highlights these features, like her button nose. It helps us grieve by having something tangible that can hang on our wall and remind us of her beauty.

It commemorates Ella's legacy and the importance she has in our lives going forward. It gives us hope to know that our future children will be able to see this drawing of their older sister.

I wish to share that this type of loss will change you. You will have both good and bad days. Life will go on and you'll feel lost. You'll feel envy for those that have living babies and find it hard to see living babies for a period of time. But this will pass and one day, and you'll be stronger and a changed version of yourself.

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