This is My Story - Laura

In this series of personal stories we hear from parents who have suffered pregnancy or baby loss. We hold space for loss and grief, and we remember our babies gone too soon.

In sharing their stories, these parents are beginning to exorcise the triple demons of stigma, silence and ignorance that afflict so many conversations in the perinatal bereavement space.

Parents share their journeys and the lessons they have learned about grief, parenthood, friendship and living after the death of their baby. They tell us how they have changed, who they have become, and what truly matters now.

Baby boy Robert Blair with his mum and dad

After a year and half of trying for a baby, I was put on some fertility treatment. We were delighted when, after the first month of the medication, I had fallen pregnant. We couldn't believe how lucky we were and shared our exciting news with some close friends and family.

Seeing our baby on our first few scans was the most magical experience. We were so in love with this growing little bean.

Towards the end of the first trimester we found out we were expecting a boy. This made it all feel so much more real.

The pregnancy went pretty smoothly and we loved experiencing our baby's first kicks and hearing his heartbeat at each appointment with our midwife. 

At 36 weeks I had just started maternity leave and we celebrated what we assumed would be our last Christmas together before our baby boy would arrive.

A couple of days later we decided we should start packing a hospital bag, just to be ready, and then sat down on the couch to watch a movie.

After a little while, I said I didn't think the baby was moving as much as usual. My husband, Blair, drove us to the hospital to get checked out. We both assumed we would be reassured and back home in no time.

However, when the midwife tried to find our baby's heartbeat, she couldn't. A doctor came in to do an ultrasound and confirmed our baby had died.

The pain was immediate and severe. We were in disbelief, as it felt like the world had shattered around us. In an instant we had gone from excitedly setting up the nursery to trying to comprehend that our baby would not be coming home with us.

Still in shock, I was led through a number of tests and then sent home for the night. The next day we met with one of our midwives, who walked us through the plan to induce labour and what our options were.

We decided to come back early the next day to start the process. Blair began telling our friends and family the news that our baby had died. The love and support from those around us was immediate - filling our fridge with food, looking after our dog, processing the news and grieving alongside us.

The induction took some time, but about a day and a half later labour had started. Blair and our midwife were incredible and encouraged me every step of the way.

When our baby boy was born, I held him and stared down at his little face. I couldn't comprehend how this baby boy, who had been kicking away inside of me only a couple of days ago, was now here - but still.

As Blair held him we decided to call him Robert, one of the two names we had shortlisted. Though he was born a few weeks early, he was a big boy at 3.5kg, with big hands and feet and a little bit of red hair on his head just like his dad.

We spent the next night and day in hospital with Robert, talking to him and holding him. Our midwife took photos for us and captured his foot and handprints. My mum and two of my brothers came to visit us and Robert, bringing with them a memory box filled with some of Robert's things.

It was so special being able to introduce Robert to my mum and brothers.

Blair's family live in Scotland, but had sent over a special Peter Rabbit bunny which we kept with Robert throughout his hospital stay. It remains a treasured item for us.

I am so grateful for the memories our midwives and families helped us make with Robert during those couple of days. 

The support we had during our stay in hospital from the midwives and doctors was incredible. Our midwives kept us going through some of the hardest moments, while also celebrating our beautiful baby boy with us.

I'll be forever grateful for the kind, compassionate, and thoughtful care we received. It is because of the incredible support of my husband and the midwives that labour, while difficult and painful in many ways, was also incredibly special.

In the following days, weeks and months, our family and friends kept us going. Every visit, message, phone call, meal and bunch of flowers meant the absolute world to us. Blair and I are so grateful to every person who has helped us celebrate Robert and continues to help us keep his memory alive.

We have also received invaluable support from organisations like Red Nose, which has allowed us to connect with other parents who have been through similar situations.

My biggest piece of advice to anyone supporting someone who has experienced the loss of a baby is to not be afraid to reach out to grieving parents and ask how they are or ask to hear about their baby. Just like any parent, we want to talk about our baby, we want to hear their name and we want to be acknowledged as parents. 

During our stay in hospital, the midwives provided us with a little resource book called "A little help from Jack". This was developed by parents who had also experienced the loss of their baby.

Possum Portraits was listed in the book and I started following them on social media. After a few months I decided to apply, to see if we could have Robert's portrait done. Thankfully, we were accepted.

We were blown away when we received Robert's portrait. It is such a beautiful picture of the three of us and it also captures his toy bunny which has become such a precious keepsake.

The portrait allows us to share Robert with our family and friends and talk about those moments we spent with him in hospital. We are so grateful to have this beautiful family portrait in our home.

Since Robert died, my husband and I have learned so much about grief. The loss of your baby completely changes every aspect of your life and we know we will never be the same.

Not only did we lose our baby, we also lost our future with Robert - seeing his first steps, hearing his laugh, seeing him play with his little cousins who are around the same age.

While the loss of Robert is a source of great pain and heartbreak for us, we know that in our grief we remember Robert, as well as the great impact he has had on us and those close to us.

It was a privilege to carry Robert for all of his life. He gave us some of our most cherished and happiest memories and we will forever be grateful that he made us parents.

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