This is My Story - Jessica

In this series of personal stories we hear from parents who have suffered pregnancy or baby loss. We hold space for loss and grief, and we remember our babies gone too soon.

In sharing their stories, these parents are beginning to exorcise the triple demons of stigma, silence and ignorance that afflict so many conversations in the perinatal bereavement space.

Parents share their journeys and the lessons they have learned about grief, parenthood, friendship and living after the death of their baby. They tell us how they have changed, who they have become, and what truly matters now.

Baby boy Jack

My beautiful baby boy Jack was born at 31 + 4 on 1st September 2024. My due date was 30th October 2024. Jack is my third child.

Jack was a surprise baby, not like my first two children who where planned pregnancies. A surprise, but a good surprise! I found out that I was pregnant at 5 weeks. The first few months of my pregnancy was a very stressful time, as both my husband and my employers had announced potential redundancies. This caused a lot of worries and financial anxiety.

In addition to the financial stress we were also experiencing external family pressures, which was really hard on me as I felt very isolated. 

I had always announced my pregnancies from 16 weeks onwards, but with Jack I wasn't fully comfortable telling our children, other family members or work until Jack was 20 weeks. But when I did it was great! Our children were so excited, and it seemed to ease some of the family relationship strains and work stress. It felt like I could actually enjoy Jack's pregnancy now.

My pregnancy with with Jack seemed very different to my other two. I didn't have morning sickness with Jack, which I felt was strange, though the Doctor assured me that everything was alright. I also felt like Jack didn't move like my first two children.

But according to check ups, bloods and ultrasounds, everything appeared to be tracking normally and as expected.

On a normal morning round of drop offs we were playing with some dinosaurs, as my kids were feeling a little shy that morning. Suddenly I felt a very large movement that made me grab my tummy. I didn't think anything of this, it just seemed normal. I had a scheduled check up at 11am that morning, so off I went.

At my obstetrician's office I was chatting with the midwife (we are also friends) and she starting using the Doppler to locate Jack's heartbeat. She couldn't locate Jack's heartbeat, so she got the ultrasound machine to do a further check. She was very good at ensuring that I should not be concerned at this point.

Looking at the ultrasound I could see movement on the screen, though she suggested I go to the hospital as she wanted the obstetrician to have a further look. At this point I started to panic, as I now knew something was not right. I was holding back tears.

I called my husband to tell him that I was picking him up from work, and we went to the hospital. I remember lying on that bed as the obstetrician wheeled in the ultrasound machine and starting looking for the heartbeat. Everyone was silent. It seemed like a lot of time passed and no one said anything, until I asked, "Is there a heartbeat?" And my obstetrician said "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat."

I was numb. I just cried and cried and cried as my husband hugged me. They gave us some time alone and asked if we wanted to call anyone. I ended up calling my dad and told him the heartbreaking news. He just cried.

We were then offered a social worker to come in and to talk to us. We didn't expect what happened next. The social worker came in and sat down.

They gave us their condolences and then went on to talk about which funeral home we should use. At this point it had not occurred to me that I would have to lay my baby, my child, to rest. And I just wanted to tell this person to F*** off! Nothing they said was helpful or supportive.

And the midwives put a complaint in on our behalf. After this the obstetrician and a midwife came back in to go through the next steps with us. 

To be honest, this was just a total blur for me and I have know idea what they were saying. I just remember I needed to pick a day to take some medication to birth my son Jack. I had another friend on the ward who heard what had happened. She came in to support my husband and I, and helped us to understand the process. All I kept asking was "I just want my baby!" and "Will he be kept warm?"

During this time we were very fortunate to have many midwives as our good friends. My friend offered for us to speak with another midwife whose first born was born still, and asked if she could call us that evening.

This was a raw conversation, but she told us everything we needed to know. She told us what to pack to ensure we had no regrets. We packed the camera and a tripod, books to read to our son, toys I had bought him, blankets, hand and foot print kits and casting kits.

She told us roughly what size clothing our Jack would be in, which we had to go out and buy. Being in regional NSW the options were very limited. I talked to her about my baby's movement, as I could still feel Jack moving, which is apparently normal. I was still holding on for some sort of miracle.

My midwife friend called our preschool and daycare to have them waiting out the front with our other children. We collected them and pretended nothing had happened, until we had gotten them dinner and bathed that night.

After we bathed the kids, we sat them down to tell them. We said that "our baby's heart had stopped beating". Our 5 year old knew exactly what had happened and burst into tears, whilst our 3 year old said "we will get him medicine to fix him." My 5 year old just yelled back "he's dead. Medicine wont fix him. He's dead." It was just heartbreaking seeing my kids so broken as well. 

The obstetrician recommended I have an epidural after my induction, which I did. I had no pain for most of the day, until 3pm. This was like a cramping pain in the pelvic area, which increased in intensity. It felt like a large pressure and constant pain. My midwife friend called the obstetrician at this point.

The pain was getting too much, and my midwife said that I could push if I wanted to, so I did. At 4.28pm my third child, Jack was born sleeping. The pain disappeared.

Jack was born bottom first. My midwife friend delivered him. I had skin to skin with Jack, and just remember crying with him on my chest. I remember putting my head back and closing my eyes. I just wanted to scream. My husband was crying as he leaned his head next to mine.

Jack was absolutely perfect. My husband cut the cord. Jack weighed 1.21kg, length 42cm and head circumference 26cm. I remember looking at Jack and realising why people call stillborns sleeping babies - because Jack looked just like he was sleeping, and I was waiting for him to wake up.

I did not want Jack to be washed. I face-timed with my older two children before they went to bed. I showed them Jack, and they were so excited. I told them Jack's birth story - "Jack was born at 4.28 this afternoon and came out sticking his bum up at (our friend/midwife)". They both found this very funny. I found this was a way to take a very traumatic time and loss, and make it a better memory for my young children, who still talk positively about how our Baby Jack came into the world.

I had a priest come to the hospital to give Jack a blessing. I had Jack's cord and placenta sent away for investigation. The midwife also noticed a lot of twisting in the cord near his belly button. And there was the question as to whether or not that section of cord had the appropriate amount of Whartons jelly.

The investigation came back with no answers. All the doctors could suggest was that Jack had grabbed his cord. We were then part of the statistic of the 1 in 3 stillbirths whose causes remain unknown. 

I spent 3 days in hospital with my Jack. I filmed myself, my husband and our children reading, singing and talking to him. My older two children drew Jack pictures. They got to hold their baby brother. We did the castings and prints, got professional family photos taken and I took many pictures and videos.

I also took some of his hair. I would change his clothes and blankets. On day 3 I knew I had to let my son go to rest and I contacted the funeral home people. We were messaging each other.

Tracey and Emily from the funeral home came and collected Jack from the hospital. My Dad went with them with Jack. This was something he wanted to do. I or my husband could not do this.

We got in the car. As we started driving off, my 5 year old screamed and cried "I just want our baby" over and over. I just cried as my husband drove the car. That evening we were outside and saw the moon and a star like it was 'winking' at us. Our eldest two were immediately saying "it's baby Jack. It's baby Jack!" We also had other family members see this too. So this has now become our 'Jack symbol'.

I went and saw Jack each day for an hour or so at the funeral home. Sometimes my husband and children came too. The kids continued to draw Jack pictures, which I took to him. We had a 1 week birthday for Jack with him.

We had a very small service with just immediate family and very close friends. Jack was in my arms the whole time. I found myself sitting in a corner of the room with Jack. It was were I felt safe and comfortable with him.

As everyone left, and my parents took the kids, my husband and I held our Baby Boy Jack one last time. We cried, but I knew I needed to let his body rest. I remember walking out of there and feeling the numbness lift.

I was feeling cold. Jack was going to be cremated, though I didn't want to know when this was going to happen. That afternoon I had a strong feeling and felt a weight on my chest. His cremation certificate later confirmed that it was the time of his cremation.

There is still a massive stigma around pregnancy and infant loss. People expect you to get over grief, but it doesn't work like that - nor should it. You will always be triggered. Slowing down and enjoying the moments you get is more important than anything else. I feel I have become a more patient mother. Let the things you can't control go - this takes time.

To parents who have recently experienced loss - delegate! Don't try to do it all yourself. People will be asking what they can do, so give them things to do. Ask for freezer meals. I didn't want to cook or eat, but I had two young kids who still needed meals.

I also wanted to show them that I"m eating. It's showing your kids that you are still their strength and support person, not the other way around.

Reach out to your local support group. Find others who have experienced loss. Having them to talk to helps. They will have tips and resources that can help you.

Honour your baby and talk about them, no matter how uncomfortable you think it may make others feel. It is about creating awareness and removing the stigma. It's sad, and that's ok. It's the truth.

Don't hide your feelings or emotions for anyone. If you are going somewhere, think of an excuse before hand should you need to leave early, or have a friend or family member there to support you.

I wish I had known how common stillbirth is. 6 stillbirths a day is lot, and 1 in 3 will never know the cause.

I wish there was not this stigma around stillbirths. I try and talk about Jack often, and say I have 3 children. The reaction from people is difficult to experience. It's because they do not know how to react, most of the time. On the other hand, it was amazing how many people we knew, young and old, who came up to us and told us that they had had a stillbirth, too. It's just so sad that as a society we are not taught how to support families through pregnancy and child loss.

Our Possum Portrait is invaluable. This portrait will be used in all of our future family and sibling photos. It's sad that it has to be done like this. But our Jack will never be forgotten, nor should he be.

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