This is My Story - Charisse

In this series of personal stories we hear from parents who have suffered pregnancy or baby loss. We hold space for loss and grief, and we remember our babies gone too soon.

In sharing their stories, these parents are beginning to exorcise the triple demons of stigma, silence and ignorance that afflict so many conversations in the perinatal bereavement space.

Parents share their journeys and the lessons they have learned about grief, parenthood, friendship and living after the death of their baby. They tell us how they have changed, who they have become, and what truly matters now.

Baby boy Lorenzo with his mum and dad

We found out we were pregnant in October 2024. We felt extremely happy being pregnant again three months after a miscarriage.

It was an easy pregnancy until 18 weeks, when I felt a sharp pain in my pelvis. I was in and out of emergency. Because I hadn't yet reached the 20 week mark, doctors wouldn't admit me to the maternity ward. But they did discover that my fibroid had enlarged, because it grows with rising levels of pregnancy hormones. I was given antibiotics, and this treatment helped with the pain.

At my 20 week scan, everything seems normal - until they checked my cervix. It had shortened. I was admitted to the hospital that night and was scheduled to have cerclage the next day.

This is a procedure whereby the cervix gets sewn shut to try and prevent early onset of labour in patients with a condition called "cervical insufficiency".

During the surgery my doctor discovered that I was already 2cm dilated and the outer layer of the amniotic membrane was already ragged. The doctor nevertheless decided to continue with the surgery. My waters broke whilst they were finishing up.

They explained the risks of having low amniotic fluid. That my baby's lungs and limbs may not develop very well. They gave us the option to terminate, but I refused.

We would keep fighting as long as our baby’s heart was beating. Because I was already at higher risk of having an infection and going into preterm labour, we were sent from Darwin to Adelaide. 

They were monitoring me regularly, checking my bloods, blood pressure and baby’s heart beat. The infection markers in my blood were getting more elevated each day. The doctor advised us to get the cerclage stitches removed.

I had to deliver my baby via C- Section the next day, as my baby’s heartbeat was elevated. So were the infection markers in my blood, and my tummy was starting to feel a bit tender.

Our little boy was delivered at 23 weeks and 5 days. Both of us got very sick because of my infection. Both of us got sepsis that was resistant to the antibiotics.

Enzo’s lungs were very tiny, severely premature and his body was not pumping enough oxygen to his brain, despite being on a ventilator. This device was still not enough of a help. It caused him to have grade 4 brain haemorrhage. The hospital offered us services that we could accede to with our baby. We had him baptised the next day.  

His condition was not getting better, even though he was being treated very well. His body just couldn't keep up. We noticed that his little body was just getting smaller and smaller.

We all prayed very hard, asking for miracle, hoping his condition would change. Until my sister-in-law explained to us what was happening to his body. She is an ICU nurse, so she understood what our baby's condition presaged. 

Some time after this conversation, we decided to put him in comfort care. He was in pain and he was really, really sick. He wouldn’t have the quality of life that he deserved even if he did live. It was the most painful decision we have ever had to make.

But our baby was suffering. We did not want him to be in pain anymore. We knew it would break our hearts - but we thought that this decision was the best for him.

Sometimes I say that he is God’s child, and we just got to borrow him. Thinking that he is in heaven gives us comfort, even though it crushes my heart. 

We are just so thankful to the Women’s and Children’s Hospital, who took really good care of us. 

We received the Bears of Hope package and somehow it gave us comfort during those times. We also had a photo session with Heartfelt photography. All the photos were so precious and it felt good to have those good memories made for us. 

Losing our baby made me and my husband become different people. Now, we think deeper. We appreciate life more, we make more time for each other. Now, we have bigger hearts. We sympathise more. We pray more. We may have lost our son, but we are thankful that we still have each other. 

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