This is My Story - Lori

In this series of personal stories we hear from parents who have suffered pregnancy or baby loss. We hold space for loss and grief, and we remember our babies gone too soon.

In sharing their stories, these parents are beginning to exorcise the triple demons of stigma, silence and ignorance that afflict so many conversations in the perinatal bereavement space.

Parents share their journeys and the lessons they have learned about grief, parenthood, friendship and living after the death of their baby. They tell us how they have changed, who they have become, and what truly matters now.

Baby boy Bruce with his bunny

I found out I was pregnant with my son Bruce on the 4th of September 2023. I was over the moon with excitement, as it took us close to a year and a half to get him and I had experienced a miscarriage 6 months before getting pregnant with Bruce.

I was very nervous going into this pregnancy, what with having had a miscarriage before. But I only had morning sickness for 11 weeks, and my nerves started to settle when I got into the second trimester.

My belly was much bigger than during my pregnancy with my daughter. It actually caused a lot of discomfort for my hips, but overall I did have a healthy pregnancy. No complications were ever picked up on.

When I woke up on a Wednesday morning at 3am, I noticed my baby wasn’t moving after I had gone to the toilet. I went into the hospital to be checked. I just thought he was sleeping and that everything would be ok. I got hooked up to the monitor and they couldn’t find his heartbeat. The doctor then did a bedside ultrasound and told me he couldn’t see a heartbeat.

I howled and screamed. I was in absolute shock. I just kept thinking "how could this happen?". His death was then confirmed by a formal ultrasound. 

I was planning on having a VBAC throughout my pregnancy and still intended on trying for that. But the doctor spoke to me openly and honestly and explained all the risks. I therefore decided to have a C-section to give birth to my son. My partner was with me the whole time, even though our baby had passed away.

It was very traumatic. I didn’t want to go through any pain. They did offer to give me a general anaesthetic, but I chose to have a spinal block instead. Throughout the C-section, I kept feeling a sensation that felt like I was getting zapped near my belly button. 

I was excited to see our baby. Bruce was so beautiful. He was the perfect mix of his mummy and daddy. We named our son Bruce Robbie James Marshall. He was named Bruce because our daughter chose that name and it suited him so well. The name also had a beautiful memory behind it: James and my first date was going to see the movie "Batman". Robbie was after my granny, whose name was Robyn. She passed away 3 weeks before I found out I was pregnant with Bruce.

When I first held my son, I cried. He was so beautiful. And he was warm, my belly kept him warm. I was nervous at first to see him, because I was worried he was going to look blue, but he didn’t. His lips were a cherry red colour. I couldn’t believe we could make something so beautiful.

I was feeling a bit faint and out of it and he got heavy in my arms so I had to pass him to his dad. His dad enjoyed those cuddles.

I really struggled with breaking the news of Bruce's death to our daughter. But in the end I just sat down with her and told her the truth (she’s 7) in a child-friendly way. I offered her cuddles and we gave her a teddy bear. 

Baby loss has been the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. It is the worst grief I have ever felt.

It has been a lonely journey so far. You can be surrounded my many people and yet feel so alone. I see the beautiful things in life now, like sunsets, and rainbows and flowers and birds. To me, they are my son showing me he is still here with me.

I have started to prioritise myself a lot more too, and to do things for me that make me feel good and happy. I have lost a lot of trust in things, and I have a lot more anxiety now then I ever had. And I only want to surround myself with people who are supportive. 

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