This is My Story - Renee

In this series of personal stories we hear from parents who have suffered pregnancy or baby loss. We hold space for loss and grief, and we remember our babies gone too soon.

In sharing their stories, these parents are beginning to exorcise the triple demons of stigma, silence and ignorance that afflict so many conversations in the perinatal bereavement space.

Parents share their journeys and the lessons they have learned about grief, parenthood, friendship and living after the death of their baby. They tell us how they have changed, who they have become, and what truly matters now.

Baby boy Benjamin

Benjamin was an IVF baby, so I actually found out I was pregnant incredibly early

on - the same week as his embryo transfer.

My pregnancy was rough. I was constantly experiencing morning sickness, all day long, from the very beginning of my pregnancy up until the day he was born.

Some days I would struggle to even complete simple tasks, but I always kept doing my best for him. At the time I kept reminding myself that one day it would all be worth it.

I found out on the evening of July 16th 2022 that Ben was most likely going to be stillborn or die shortly after birth. The events that occurred after this conversation forever changed me.

I still remember the initial shock of hearing these news and feeling like I couldn't even breathe. I was struggling to catch my breath. I was speechless. It was as if this immense feeling of heaviness just consumed me.

I sat there on a hospital bed still pregnant, now knowing that my beautiful baby boy was dying inside of me. I was trying to puzzle together and process what was happening. I tried to grasp the reality of it and I just couldn’t.

He had only been moving around a few hours before. I had just heard his heartbeat and seen him on a monitor. Everything had been going fine throughout my pregnancy, and my 20 week scan the month before had been perfect. I just couldn’t understand how or why he was now sick and dying.

Labour was incredibly traumatic. I was left alone for hours, basically unsupported, begging for any medical personnel who checked in on me to please try and do something to help save my baby.

When I slowly started to process what was actually happening, and that he was eventually going to die, if he wasn’t dead already, I just laid there and silently cried.

I cried for the duration of my entire labour into a hospital blanket until my eyes were stinging and there were no tears left to cry.

After about 4 hours of active labour, Benjamin was born on 17th of July at 02:01am. He was tiny, weighing only 683g and measuring 31cm long.

He let out two little cries. They were the only noises he ever made. He then nestled his hands into his face as I cuddled him on my chest for his first and last breaths whilst I told him how much I loved him.

All he ever knew was love. He then died peacefully in my arms, surrounded by his mum and dad. Just over an hour later I finally felt the strength to speak the words “he feels cold” to a midwife, who then swaddled him for us so we could continue to hold him. He never opened his eyes, he just looked like he was sleeping.

When I finally got to hold him and see his sweet little face, I was just so grateful to

have him in my life and to be his mother. I had dreamed of that very moment for

years.

I knew he was a boy, but we hadn’t decided on a name yet. I told the midwife about how I was thinking of naming him Benjamin, and she said it was perfect and suited him so well with his little button nose.

My experience with baby loss has definitely motivated me to live more in the

present. I don’t take time for granted anymore and I live a life full of meaning and

purpose every day, in memory of Benjamin. I learned that it’s okay to grieve for however long you need.

My Possum Portrait means the world to me. It’s been almost 3 years since my son died. Every day I look at the same photos of him, always wishing I had taken more. So this portrait gave me such a new and beautiful perspective to appreciate all the tiny details about him.

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