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This is My Story - Jessica

Writer's picture: Possum PortraitsPossum Portraits

This series of personal stories from parents who have suffered pregnancy or baby loss holds space for talking about loss and grief and remembering our babies gone too soon.


In sharing their stories about their pregnancy journeys, feelings and insights, these parents are beginning to exorcise the double demons of silence and ignorance that afflict so many conversations in the space of pregnancy and baby loss.


Parents share their journeys and the lessons they have learned about grief, parenthood, friendship and living after the death of their baby. They tell us how they have changed, who they have become, and what truly matters now.


Angel Jay in his mum's arms



Jay was our second pregnancy. We already had a 2 year old daughter, and our whole family was so excited with anticipation of becoming a family of four.


The pregnancy was going along well, although I had noticed that I wasn't feeling the baby move or kick to the same extent that my daughter had. I voiced my concerns to my husband, but between us we could come up with a multitude of reasons to explain this: every baby is different, maybe the placenta was in a different position masking the movements.


Or maybe it was because I was busy running after a toddler and didn't have the same opportunities I had in my first pregnancy to slow down and to notice his movements.

Going into my anatomy scan at 21 weeks I was anticipating getting some reassurance that it was just my own anxieties and that Jay was growing and developing well. However, I quickly noticed on the screen that he wasn't moving and we were on the receiving end of the news that no one ever wants to hear...." I am sorry but your baby has died...there is no heart beat".


It felt like time had stopped and yet was racing at the same time. Our life was to change dramatically from that moment on, yet in many ways we were so naive as to the gravity of this.


I remember that all I could do was apologise to my husband, because I felt like I had let him and Jay down; I had noticed some red flags but had tried to convince myself that everything was okay.

I was filled with questions along the lines of "what if we had got him checked earlier?" Since then I have come to realise and accept that unfortunately this would still not have changed the outcome for us.


I was grateful to all of the birth podcasts that I had listened to over the years and having been exposed somewhat to the realities of what delivering a stillborn baby entails.


Yet it was incredibly daunting to be the one experiencing this, and to face so much uncertainty about what this experience would be like for myself. 

The hospital staff and midwives were absolute angels and were able to give us lots of information and answer our many questions as best they could. This really helped to give us some sense of control.


Meeting Jay was simultaneously the best and the worst days of our life. He looked just like his older sister, but he was so fragile. We were able to imagine the life that we had intended to live with him in our family, whilst at the same time facing the reality that our physical time together was coming to an end, and that we would have to say goodbye.


Whilst our experience of loosing Jay has been heartbreaking, we have been so fortunate to have experienced so much kindness, generosity and compassion from our friends and family.


We have formed some beautiful connections with other bereaved parents that Jay has brought us together with. Jay has taught us just how previous life is and that we cannot take anything for granted.  

Before I experienced loss myself I wish I had known just how much support is available for families and how important these services are to the community. I hope that more people will start to talk more openly about stillbirth. This would mean more people will come to know that they are not alone and where to turn to for support.


To parents who are recently bereaved, I am so very sorry and saddened that you are experiencing loss.


When I was told early on that the hard days would eventually decrease and there would be more good days again, I found this hard to accept. It felt that if this was the case then I would be moving further away from my son, and I was scared that this meant forgetting him.

Whilst I am still learning that grief is a lifelong journey that continues to evolve, some days are now good days. On the good days it doesn't mean I don't think of Jay, but rather than feeling immense sadness, I think of him with a sense of gratitude that he came into our lives.


Our Possum Portrait is so incredibly precious to us. It has provided us with an image that helps us to see Jay and his personality. It also gave us an image we felt comfortable to share with others. Words cannot express our gratitude for this incredible charity and the support they provide for bereaved parents.


For us, one of the most challenging things was navigating our 2 year old and her understanding that her baby brother had died. Physically touching my tummy had been her way of connecting with Jay whilst I was pregnant, and it was beyond heartbreaking when she continued to do this after I had given birth.

It was so hard to know where to start to explain what had happened as we had never even considered having to talk to her about death. Some incredible friends gave us some children's books about baby loss and these were invaluable to help provide us with the kind of language we needed to communicate with her. By reminding her that she is always connected to her brother in her heart, she has now reached a place where she continues to talk about her baby brother on a daily basis and incorporates some daily rituals such as saying good morning to him wherever he may be.


I found some of my greatest comfort and support in the connections I have made with other loss parents. I am eternally grateful to the people in my life that reached out and so generously shared their stories and their own children with me when they heard that we had lost Jay. These individuals have taught me ways to weave meaningful connections to Jay into our daily lives and honour his memory.


They have helped me realise that we are his advocates, and that we have to model to others how we want him remembered.

They have shown me that despite our grief and the fact that we will miss Jay for the rest of our lives, there is always hope for the future.



 


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Possum Portrait to a family living with loss.



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In the spirit of reconciliation Possum Portraits acknowledges the Traditional Custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to Elders past, present and emerging and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today.

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