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This is My Story - Jen

This series of personal stories from parents who have suffered pregnancy or baby loss holds space for talking about loss and grief and remembering our babies gone too soon.


In sharing their stories about their pregnancy journeys, feelings and insights, these parents are beginning to exorcise the double demons of silence and ignorance that afflict so many conversations in the space of pregnancy and baby loss.


Parents share their journeys and the lessons they have learned about grief, parenthood, friendship and living after the death of their baby. They tell us how they have changed, who they have become, and what truly matters now.


Angel baby girl Amelia Rae with her parents



Our story began when my partner Tom and I decided to finally start trying for a baby. 6 months later, I was sat in our bathroom staring at a positive pregnancy test. It was the weekend before Christmas in December 2022. My pregnancy was rough - I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) during my first trimester. I suffered from HG for the entirety of my pregnancy. 


My pregnancy was rough - I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) during my first trimester.

I was both anxious and excited about my pregnancy. I couldn't wait to finally become a mum. It felt surreal. I couldn't believe I was growing a baby. We were going to be parents! We were due on 17th August 2023, and I remember feeling excited about Christmas 2023, and the thought of celebrating our first Christmas as a family of 3 with an almost 4 month old baby. We had so many hopes and dreams.


When I was 41+5 weeks pregnant with our daughter Amelia, I went into spontaneous labour during our routine antenatal scan. It was Tuesday 29th August 2023, a day after my mum's birthday. We were admitted to the birth unit around 12:30PM, and I was rushed into theatres for an emergency caesarean 6 hours later.


When I was 41+5 weeks pregnant with our daughter Amelia, I went into spontaneous labour. I was rushed into theatres for an emergency caesarean 6 hours later.

Everything happened so fast, but I remember hearing that my baby's heart rate had dropped to 60bpm and wasn't recovering back to baseline. My emergency caesarean was done under general anaesthesia, so Tom wasn't allowed in theatres with me. He was left alone in our birth suite. Amelia was delivered at 6:50PM that evening. 


I remember waking up in recovery later that night and Tom informed me that Amelia was in NICU, and would likely be there for a few weeks. He showed me a picture he took of Amelia when he went to see her in NICU. I couldn't believe our baby was finally here. At that moment, we were still under the impression that we'd eventually get to bring her home. We were later informed by one of the doctors that Amelia was delivered with no heartbeat and had required 15 minutes of CPR. 


At that moment, we were still under the impression that we'd eventually get to bring her home. We were later informed by one of the doctors that Amelia was delivered with no heartbeat and had required 15 minutes of CPR. 

We still held on to hope that all would be okay until the following morning, when we were told that Amelia had "minimal brain activity" overnight. Later that evening, the neonatologist sat us down in a small room and told us what no parent ever wants to hear. Amelia had sustained a catastrophic brain injury and her prognosis was poor. I remember feeling completely numb. 


An MRI on Friday afternoon later confirmed our worst nightmare. Amelia sustained Severe Hypoxic-Ischemic Encephalopathy (HIE). It was during this moment that Tom and I decided to redirect Amelia's care to comfort care.

An MRI on Friday afternoon later confirmed our worst nightmare. Amelia sustained Severe Hypoxic-Ischemic Encephalopathy (HIE). We were told by one of the specialists that Amelia's MRI was one of the worst she'd ever seen. It was during this moment that Tom and I decided to redirect Amelia's care to comfort care. Amelia died peacefully in our arms on Saturday 2nd September 2023 at 8:54PM, the night before Tom's first Father's Day. She was just 4 days old.



My experience of labour and birth


I remember spending months researching and educating myself, trying to be as prepared as one could about labour and birth. I did a hypnobirthing course, and created a labour toolkit which included a birth ball, TENS machine and a labour playlist. All of these I actually used when I was labouring in hospital.


I did a hypnobirthing course, and created a labour toolkit which included a birth ball, TENS machine and a labour playlist. All of these I actually used when I was labouring in hospital.

Tom did everything he could to make our birth suite a calming environment. He filled the hospital's bathroom walls with photographs of my pregnancy with Amelia and her ultrasound image, so I could focus on them as I laboured in the shower. 


I genuinely wish I could say my experience of labour was a positive one. Unfortunately, I no longer can. I was part of a caseload program, which meant I had the same midwife for the entirety of my pregnancy, labour and birth.


It initially felt like a positive experience due to the continuity of care the program offered. We trusted our midwife wholeheartedly.

My birth team consisted of my caseload midwife and Tom. It initially felt like a positive experience due to the continuity of care the program offered. We trusted our midwife wholeheartedly, and considered her to be an extended part of our family.


Unfortunately, we later found out that we had experienced negligence throughout my labour in hospital. All throughout labour, Amelia had been showing signs of distress and we were kept in the dark, and led to believe that I was "labouring beautifully".


Unfortunately, we later found out that we had experienced negligence throughout my labour in hospital. All throughout labour, Amelia had been showing signs of distress and we were kept in the dark.

No doctors were called in to review me, even though it all happened during business hours, when we had all the resources available to us. There was also a significant period of time when Amelia was left unmonitored, and this was not escalated. The policies and guidelines that have been developed for a reason were not followed. 



Meeting our beautiful girl


The first time I saw Amelia was a few hours after she was born. I was wheeled down to NICU in my hospital bed, still recovering from the general anaesthesia post emergency caesarean.


Amelia was surrounded by beeping machines but she was all Tom and I could see. We never got to see her move or open her eyes. We never got to see her yawn, kick her little legs or hide her face behind her little hands the way we did at every scan. We never got to hear her cry.


Amelia was surrounded by beeping machines but she was all Tom and I could see. She had a head full of brunette hair, chubby cheeks, and plump lips just like her dad.

She had a head full of brunette hair, chubby cheeks, and plump lips just like her dad. A perfect combination of the two of us, from head to toe. Her full name is Amelia Rae Micklewright. She's half Australian and half Filipino. She weighed approx. 3.5kgs and was 50cm long. 


The first and last time Tom and I were able to do skin to skin contact with Amelia was the night she was taken off her ventilator, a core memory I will cherish for the rest of my days. She was able to breathe on her own for 24 hours, and we carried her in our arms until she took her last breath. She was a little trooper right until the very end. 



What baby loss feels like to me


Baby loss is a soul-crushing and heart-wrenching experience. That feeling of relief that many of us get when we wake up from a nightmare? That feeling of relief is replaced by absolute dread and heartbreak every morning we wake up, because we're living a nightmare that many people "can't imagine" living.


That feeling of relief that many of us get when we wake up from a nightmare? That feeling of relief is replaced by absolute dread and heartbreak every morning we wake up.

Baby loss is also a lonely and isolating experience, especially when people choose to stay silent and not acknowledge that our baby lived and existed. Before Amelia's birth and unexpected death, I carried her in my womb, keeping her safe and healthy for 9 months. She had the strongest heartbeat. The sad truth is, silence and lack of acknowledgment is something many bereaved parents often experience. 


Baby loss has changed me in more ways than one. I've lost trust in the healthcare system, and I'm left questioning if I still have it in me to continue my career in nursing. I have had to cut ties with family members and distance myself from many people to protect my grieving heart. What many don't know is that there's also a lot of secondary losses you experience after the death of a baby - loss of identity, relationships, financial security, future hopes and dreams. 


What many don't know is that there's also a lot of secondary losses you experience after the death of a baby - loss of identity, relationships, financial security, future hopes and dreams.

Learning to navigate life after loss is extremely challenging, but I'm slowly learning to find little glimmers each day. My priority has switched to protecting and caring for Amelia's memory, while learning to hold more space for my grief, and fully allowing myself to feel all the emotions that arise each day.


To parents recently bereaved I would say that no words can ever take the heartache away. But please know that you are not alone in your grief. Devastatingly, there are many of us who are walking a similar path. Turn to your community as they will hold you in your grief. After Amelia died, I found comfort in connecting with other mums and dads who just "get it". Writing letters addressed to Amelia has also been my main way of processing my grief. It helps to just get my thoughts out as they come up.


Turn to your community as they will hold you in your grief. After Amelia died, I found comfort in connecting with other mums and dads who just "get it". Writing letters addressed to Amelia has been my main way of processing my grief.

You and your partner may also grieve differently and that is okay. Do whatever you both have to do to survive each day. Allow yourself to rest and grieve.



Our Possum Portrait


It means a lot to us that Possum Portraits are able to help us keep Amelia's memory alive by drawing a beautiful portrait of our little family, and allowing us to share our story. It's charities like Possum Portraits that help bereaved parents like us feel seen and heard in our grief. Having another platform to share our story means we are able to continue raising awareness around pregnancy and infant loss.



Amelia, we love you.


My experience of loss has made me realise who and what truly matters most. It's also made me realise that grief is lifelong, and although it's not in the way we ever hoped or imagined, Amelia will always be with us. She will forever be our first-born, the first niece and grandchild on both sides of the family. 





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