This is My Story - Elli

In this series of personal stories we hear from parents who have suffered pregnancy or baby loss. We hold space for loss and grief, and we remember our babies gone too soon.

In sharing their stories, these parents are beginning to exorcise the triple demons of stigma, silence and ignorance that afflict so many conversations in the perinatal bereavement space.

Parents share their journeys and the lessons they have learned about grief, parenthood, friendship and living after the death of their baby. They tell us how they have changed, who they have become, and what truly matters now.

Baby boy Constantine

I found out that I was pregnant with Constantine in May 2024. When I found out, my husband and I was so happy and felt blessed. We had prayed to have a baby and start a family together. It was the best day of my life.

My pregnancy was quite difficult. I suffered with hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) which caused a lot of nausea and vomiting for months.

I would bring this up with the midwives, however they always dismissed me by saying, "This is pregnancy, and this is your first pregnancy, so you are just feeling overwhelmed".

However, I always felt that my body was having a hard time during the entire pregnancy. I would get a lot of back pain and fatigue. 

When I was rushed into hospital after bleeding, I was in labour for a night. After my son was born via C-section, he lived for four days in the NICU. So, we had some hope that he might be able to live. However, my husband said that from the moment he saw him come out, he began grieving. He had a feeling our son would pass away. I felt as though our son might have a fighting chance, as he was such an active and strong baby during the pregnancy. 

The day our son passed away, I couldn't stop screaming and crying. My husband was silent but cried, too.

I cried and screamed so much I felt as if my body was collapsing, like I was fading away. We were both in shock and agony. It was the worst day of our lives. I kept screaming in my head, "Why me!?"

My labour was traumatic. I had to do a C-section and had to make this decision very quickly in order to try and save my son's life. There were so many risks, such as bleeding out. They said if I bled out too much, they would need to put me under general anaesthesia and do a hysterectomy (remove my whole uterus), leaving me with no ability to ever procreate again in future. It was terrifying and has caused me to feel a lot of distrust for the medical system.

Thankfully my surgery went well, and they didn't have to remove my uterus, which gives my a glimmer of hope. However, my hope is also crushed due to losing my sweet and beloved son. 

When I held my baby boy for the first and last time, it was the best and worst feeling. It was the best because I could feel his warmth, touch him, kiss him and love him during his last breaths. It was the worst because that would be the last day I would get to hold him. It is such a hard feeling to put into plain words.

My son's name is Constantine Matheo Greenwood. I call him "Tino" for short. When I pray to him, I refer to my son as Tino. Constantine was a beautiful boy. He had the blondest hair and eyelashes, and my dark eyebrows. He had my long lashes and my husbands chin and eyes. To me he is perfection.

He was the most active and happy baby in utero. While I was pregnant with Constantine, I'd play reggae music and the Beatles. He would kick and move around every time these songs would play.

When he was born and in the NICU, that didn't change. I'd sing "Don't Worry, Be Happy", and he would move his feet, kicking my hands and moving his face. I will always cherish those memories with my lovely boy.

Baby loss is hard. I always think about Constantine, every day. I try to remind myself of the good memories with him and not to remember the trauma. 

Losing Constantine has tested my faith as a Christian. But loss has made my faith stronger in a lot of ways. It has also taught me compassion and understanding. 

My priorities regarding how I'd like to raise Constatine's future siblings has changed. I just want to love them like it's their last day on Earth with me, and to take nothing for granted.

Surprisingly, my relationship with my mother has improved. She lost twins when she was young and I never used to understand why my mum was a very teary and emotional person growing up. I would judge her. But now, more than ever, I understand her perspective completely. We now have really great open conversations, and are best friends. 

To those who have experienced loss, I would say to be patient with yourself and your partner. You're both doing the best you can. Have hope and faith. Also know that your baby is never ever going to be forgotten. They will always be loved, every day. 

My faith and family have been my source of comfort. Being able to talk with family and friends has helped me. Also going walking out in nature, as it reminds me of my son.

I try to create more positive memories in association to my son. I've also taken up still-life painting, which is helping me focus on other things when I need a break from thinking about everyday life. Because grieving is a part of my everyday life now.

Our Possum Portrait means so much to me because I've always wanted to know what my son would look like laughing or smiling, and with his eyes open. Laughter is so important to me. I always enjoyed making others laugh, so all I ever wanted to do was make my son laugh, as well. 

Our portrait will help me heal in some sense, because now I can picture how he would've looked giggling at one of my silly actions or jokes.

Loss has taught me to appreciate every moment you have with loved ones. I also believe my son is always going to be alive in spirit. This has given me peace. 

I hope that in the future my son will pray for his dad and I to be able to bring one or more of his siblings earthside. Having more children will never replace Constantine - he will always be my first baby and son. But I know he'd want me to be happy and to have a baby to hold and love. 

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