This is My Story - Lynnel

In this series of personal stories we hear from parents who have suffered pregnancy or baby loss. We hold space for loss and grief, and we remember our babies gone too soon.

In sharing their stories, these parents are beginning to exorcise the triple demons of stigma, silence and ignorance that afflict so many conversations in the perinatal bereavement space.

Parents share their journeys and the lessons they have learned about grief, parenthood, friendship and living after the death of their baby. They tell us how they have changed, who they have become, and what truly matters now.

Baby girl Chloe with her family

We found out that we were expecting our fourth child on November 4th, 2023. We were so excited we told our best friends about it the very night we found out.

My pregnancy went well, in terms of having no nausea to speak of. I did have a small bleed at 10 weeks, so we did an extra scan for peace of mind, as I’d never had a bleed with any of the other three. But everything was fine. My blood pressure was a little elevated so I was medicated for that, and I also had numerous trips to the dentist during my pregnancy.

I found out that Chloe had died at a routine hospital appointment on the 25th January 2024.

I had had a missed miscarriage after 3 perfect scans. I was in total shock and cried for ages with both the doctor and another senior doctor in the room, just wishing they had got it all wrong.

I was given medication to bring on labour. I was worried that I’d have to have a few doses of the medication and that birth would be dragged out even further, as it was a wait and see situation. However, only one dose was needed. My biggest fear now wasn't that I wouldn’t be able to birth a small baby, but that I would have a big bleed (as this is what has happened in 2 of the 3 babies I birthed prior).

What helped me was the support from my immediate family (even though miscarriage was new to us in our family). To have them there to listen to me, my husband being there, the incredible midwives; this made it just that bit more bearable.

After Chloe was born I needed to be rushed to theatre for a D & C, as I had lost too much blood and the placenta was stuck. When I finally got to hold her, I thought how beautiful and peaceful she looked, and what a perfect baby she was.

At the time we were unaware of her gender, and would be until the blood work came back the following month. After we had our loss it became apparent to us that we did wanted to know the baby's gender. We named her Chloe Tayla Craig.

She looked like a little girl who was so very loved, even though I only carried her for a short time. She was so tiny and fragile, only the size of my palm. I’m pleased that we had the cuddle cot in our room and that I was able to have her with me for 2 days.

After losing Chloe it really hit home how incredibly lucky we were to have 3 beautifully healthy and happy children. I guess I was naive, knowing miscarriages happened but never in my wildest dreams thinking it would happen to us.

Immediately following our loss I feel like I was on autopilot. The smallest decision was hard - let alone having an appetite to eat. I just had to take everything a day at a time. But at the same time I couldn’t fall into a heap too much, because we have 3 children who need their mum. So it's at night I felt our loss the most.

Our loss made me slow down and realise what’s important: to always talk of her and honour her memory in lots of ways. It made me take notice of the small things and that my priority is my well-being and that of my family.

I’ll always include Chloe in everything I do, and I share my experience even if it makes others uncomfortable.

What I wish I had known before loss happened to me is that it is incredibly common. It can happen at any given gestation and you aren’t in the clear until that baby is safe in your arms at home. I also learned that you can be incredibly grateful for the children that you do have, but also sad about the baby you lost. When you lose a baby the experience will change you, and you will never be the same person again.

To recently new bereaved parents I’d like to say that grief is not linear. Just sit with how you feel at the time, as it’s going to be a wave of different emotions at any given time. Certain things may trigger you. One day you may be fine, and the next you are a mess. It’s all part of the process.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve for your baby. You never get over it, you just learn over time to grow around the grief. No one will understand what it is to lose a baby or child unless they have been through it themselves.

Supports that I have had along the way and that have really helped in aiding my healing journey have been MISS, Bears of Hope online monthly loss group, Pink Elephants live chat and personalised peer support calls that get you in touch with someone who has had experience in loss, as well as Red Nose face to face catch ups and counselling.

Talking to really close friends who have experienced miscarriage and one friend who had a stillbirth also helped me.

The Forever Held Foundation, which we attended in October, really helped us to grieve Chloe as a family in a beautiful retreat setting. It helped us reconnect as a family.

Our Possum Portrait is incredibly special because none of our 3 living children got to meet or hold their baby sister. It is something tangible to look at each day, and it sits with all of Chloe's things on her shelf in the living room.

How we broached the subject with our living children was just to be honest with them. We sat them all down on the couch and explained to them that Chloe wouldn’t be coming home the way we wanted her to because her heart stopped beating. We said we would try and find out if there was a reason why this happened and to try and get some further answers.

I got Chloe's sister (our eldest) to kiss my tummy and say goodbye to her (I made sure I took photos to look back on). She understood more about what had happened than our sons, as she was almost 5. A friend of ours also came with me to the shops and we brought the kids a book called "The Invisible String".

I would say just be honest with your living children so long as you words are age appropriate. Let them talk about their baby sibling who died and ask questions.

Sometimes you may not get an answer for why your loss happened, but just keep honouring your baby. Heal and grow, and know that with great sadness comes so much love.

I hope going forward that more care and support is given to women and families who experience miscarriage. I also wish for this topic not to be shamed as a taboo subject. I have found it so empowering to share the story of our baby. Always.

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