top of page

This is My Story - Shannan

This series of personal stories from parents who have suffered pregnancy or baby loss holds space for talking about loss and grief and remembering our babies gone too soon.


In sharing their stories about their pregnancy journeys, feelings and insights, these parents are beginning to exorcise the double demons of silence and ignorance that afflict so many conversations in the space of pregnancy and baby loss.


Parents share their journeys and the lessons they have learned about grief, parenthood, friendship and living after the death of their baby. They tell us how they have changed, who they have become, and what truly matters now.


Angel baby boy Blade with his mum, dad and brother


My pregnancy


We found out we were pregnant about 5 weeks in. The pregnancy was good. I didn’t really get much morning sickness, but I did end up not able to eat a lot of foods - fatty foods especially. So I ended up being the healthiest I have ever been!


Both my fiancé and I where over the moon. I have endometriosis, and I had been told that it was going to be very difficult for me to get pregnant in the first place. We had actually been trying to conceive for 12 months before we fell pregnant with our son Blade.


I have endometriosis, and I had been told that it was going to be very difficult for me to get pregnant in the first place. We had actually been trying to conceive for 12 months.


Labour, Birth and Death


At 32 weeks I was just finishing my last day at work on a Friday when I started to get uncomfortable. I put it down to the fact that I had been on my feet all day. By the time I got home, I was in a little bit of pain. We were getting ready to go out to tea for the farewell dinner that my boss was holding for me, so we decided to drop into the hospital to get checked out on the way.


The doctor gave me the all clear but said to come back if the pains got worse. After tea I got worse and we ended back up at the hospital to find I was in premature labour. I was admitted and given tablets to stop labour, and then injections to help mature the babies' lungs. This was Friday night.


We ended back up at the hospital to find I was in premature labour. I was given tablets to stop labour, and then injections to help mature the babies' lungs.

Sunday morning the doctors let me go home. But by the afternoon I was back at the hospital in labour again, and again given tablets to stop it. Around 11:30pm the call out was made to find a hospital that was able to take me, as our country hospital is not able to look after premature babies. I was then flown to Ballarat Base Hospital with my fiancé following the plane in the ute as fast as he could.


Our country hospital is not able to look after premature babies, so I was flown to Ballarat Base Hospital with my fiance following the plane in the ute.

At 9:22 pm on the Monday we had our beautiful little boy Blade. He was born strong and healthy, and he even took the doctors by surprise at how well he was doing.

11 days later he passed away in the Butterfly Ward of the Royal Children’s Hospital in Melbourne.


We lost our Miracle. He became sick with Necrotising Enterocolitis (NEC). 15 Hours beforehand we had a healthy baby. It took him so quickly.


He was born strong and healthy and even took the doctors by surprise at how well he was doing. But he became sick with Necrotising Enterocolitis (NEC) and died 11 days later.

I still remember that day. It plays in my head constantly, from the moment the nurse knocked on the parents' room door to say the words, “Your baby is dying, he needs his mum & dad”. 


We had been put in another room away from Blade so that the doctors could assess him. We rushed to his room where around 6 to 8 nurses stood crying as two doctors where trying to bring our son back. Everyone was in tears, even the doctors. It was no use. The infection was too great, so they then bundled our beautiful boy up for us to hold him till the Angels took him to Heaven.


We rushed to his room where around 6 to 8 nurses stood crying as two doctors where trying to bring our son back. Everyone was in tears, even the doctors. It was no use.


All about Blade


The car ride home that day was so long and filled with tears and disbelief. We had a 5 hour journey home and on that ride home my fiancé and I decided to always speak Blade's name. Our family motto was born: “Together We Are Stronger”!!!


Let me tell you about our Bladee Boy. He was amazing from the moment he was born. He was bright eyed and bushy tailed, as the old saying goes. He wasn’t even 2 days old when he was lifting his head to look at me. When we were having Kanga Cuddles, the nurses shock their heads and said he had been here before.


Blade was amazing from the moment he was born. He was bright eyed and bushy tailed, as the old saying goes.

He didn’t cry, he was so easy and laid back. We actually heard the nurses at one point in the NICU arguing about who was going to be nursing him that day.


Blade had beautiful skin, not fair like me but tanned like his daddy. He had dark hair and the most beautiful almond shaped eyes. I’m sure he would have blonde hair like me and blue eyes like both his daddy and me. He was perfect!



What loss has shown me


Since loosing Blade, our experience has been that there isn't enough help for parents like us who live in a small country town. There is no bereavement care at all. If we needed help we would have to go to the nearest big town, and that is a two and a half hour drive away.


Since loosing Blade, our experience has been that there isn't enough help for parents like us who live in a small country town. There is no bereavement care at all.

We found that our friends changed, too. The ones we thought would be there for us where scared to even say hi to us but the ones we were not that close to would bend over backwards for us.


Our whole perspective changed. Things that used to worry us became not important. My fiancé and I became closer and made a pact that this was not going to tear us apart, but bring us closer together.


We lost Blade in August, and the next year in January we got married. We needed to start the new year off on a positive note, as we decided that this year was our year. Even though our Bladee was not with us, we where going to live our lives like he was.


We lost Blade in August, and the next year in January we got married. Even though our Bladee was not with us, we where going to live our lives like he was.

We wish that we'd been told about NEC when Blade was born, just to have a heads up that complications of this type can happen with a prematurely born baby. To have such a healthy baby and for his condition to change in the blink of an eye was a shock.


We where robbed of our baby. In saying this, we are so grateful about the care we received from the hospitals. They treated us with so much care.


We are so grateful about the care we received from the hospitals. They treated us with so much care.


Blade's Legacy


For Blade's funeral we asked people to donate to the Ballarat Base Hospital. When we went there to hand them the cheque, it was a very emotional experience. To walk through those doors again into the NICU and to not expect to see Blade in a humidity crib made the moment even more real. Blade's doctor recognised us instantly, and the nurses and the big hugs we got from them and how much they appreciated the donation helped us heal a little bit more.


Blade's doctor recognised us instantly, and the nurses and the big hugs we got from them and how much they appreciated the donation helped us heal a little bit more.

My Advice to other Bereaved parents is to please not be afraid to speak your baby's name. Our babies deserve to have their name spoken and to be talked about with our partners. Don’t bottle up your feelings. Don’t be afraid to cry and hold each other. 


Daddies: you men are hurting too. You need to show that and talk to us, or to a mate, whatever helps.


Daddies: you men are hurting too. You need to show that and talk to us, or to a mate, whatever helps.

Our story continues. We had Blade's little brother, who is our only Earth-side child. We lost our third baby due to a miscarriage and even though it was an early miscarriage, that baby was here and is thought about constantly along with its big brother Blade.


Our Son knows about his big brother Blade. We have always talked to him about Blade and he knows that his big brother watches over him.  


At Christmas time we go to the cemetery were exchange presents. We give our living son a present that is from Blade and he gives his big brother a present, too.

It’s  always a new Hot Wheels toy or something small. Little things like this help us cope and it's important for our son to know that he is not alone. That he does have siblings, only his siblings are in Heaven.


Thank you to Possum Portraits. These portraits mean so much to families like us that never got the chance to have family photos with our children. They help mend our forever broken hearts.

Thank you to Possum Portraits. These portraits mean so much to families like us that never got the chance to have family photos with our children. They help to mend our forever broken hearts.


I hope that one day, more people will realise how important it is to bereaved parents that people remember the babies we have lost - instead of telling us it's time that we let them go and rest in peace! We say their names not only to help us, but to help our Earth-side children as well. We will never forget them. They are our children, and always will be.




Did this story resonate with you?


Please consider giving what you can and support our

bereavement care service for parents living with loss.



0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Comentários


bottom of page